For all those who feel like impossible parents
- Recently I sat through the whole parent's meeting in a wrong classroom.
- Once we were in an aquapark with children and their grandparents. The
Grandma was relaxing in the circular whirl pool. From behind there was Simon
approaching with an intention to join her. Right in front of the pool he stepped on
a plastic cover of a water channel which shot off from under his foot and he,
out of control, fell over the head of his unsuspecting mother-in-law. His hand,
desperately scratching about for a support, torn off the upper part of her
bikini. When he, red all over, emerged from whirling bath with an excuse "I didn't mean it,"
mother-in-law responded: "I don't know whether to feel chuffed or muffed!"
- When Domino was about 5 years old the topic of death interested him. We
tried to explain to him what he could understand. Perhaps under the impression of
the debate he stopped in front of an older lady (about 60 or so) on the tram stop
and reported loudly so everybody could hear: "Daddy, this woman is old, she is
going to die soon!"
- Domi 3 years: He sat at the TV and when I (Mom) sat next to him he told me
to close my eyes and open my mouth and he put something in it. I tasted it and he
rejoiced: "She ate a bogey, she ate a bogey!"
- During the vacation at Sevenmountains in a cottage Bebe was 2 months
old. She did the biggies and Simon went to clean her. On his way back he stopped
at the neighbors' place downstairs. As he talked to them, a naked infant over his hand,
the peristaltis started working again and scared Simon, running away, sprayed
their floor including the unpacked baggages.
- When we lived in Prague, one day a perfectly dresses man stopped at our
door, gave me his calling card, and introduced himsel as a director and
illustrator from Germany, originally from Bohemia. He was looking for a building
to buy in the area. He talked to me and I held Denisa, sick with a cold, in my
arms. Suddenly she sneezed and cast some long green mucuses on his black super
suit-case. The man (it was Ivan Steiger, a brother of Pavel Steiger) was gentleman
and pretended that he noticed nothing but left quickly.
- As a one year old baby, Juli loved to eat green plants. She refused normal
food. At home, she ate succulents and she wouldn't say no to a cactus, although she
had thorns sticking in her tongue. Outside, she liked to greeze and she drank the
water from a puddle. This form of fun continued until she tunred two.
- When Domi was about four and half years old he prayed: "Lord God, please
protect Daddy so that he would not leave for heaven when Mummy torments him so
Another time he continued in his praying program with an intercession that "Mom would
know how much is 14 plus 24." (We shared this story with the Grandpa who laughed
cordially, but when he said it to his collegues designers they shook their heads
and wondered: "How come that she does not know it?")
As a five years old he gave me this riddle: "Mary, four bags for two crowns, only
belly is big. What is it? A Goose!" (It doesn't make any sense in Czech neither.)
- Another time he asked Daddy whether there were the dinosaurs alive when he
was young. He asked Grandma Eva what good is her breast for when she has no
infants. He pleased Grandma Jarmila with a questions whether these strings around
her mouth (wrinkles) don't hurt. In a children's park he yelled at Granmd Hana
from a bridge: "I am Jesus and you are people and I watch you from above!"
Pretty unpleasant sticky situations can be experienced with animals.
Once, for example, Domino has lost the snake on a sand pit (he has found it soon,
- Recently our llama escaped and wondered around. She loves kissing so she
did not hesitate when she saw some dealer to stand by his pickup and search
through some papers. Silently she came close to hin from behind and snorted at his
neck. He turned around and got scared to death. Perhaps he for a moment doubted
where he was, wheter it was not some safari park and there behind the corner might
wait some rhino or something. He was so scared that he, in a bit complaining tone,
reminds me of that every time he drives by.
Similar shock prepared our horse Jarmanka to our neighbor when she came to help
her hang the clothes.
- Of course the worst embarrassments-creators are the dogs. Especially with
their secreting need. One of the best experts in that filed was our big dog Asan
whom we had in the beginning of our marriage. He weighted more than 110 pounds and
the weight of his excrement corelated with that. One for all I will mention the
case when he dropped his poop right in front of the Brno main railroad station. We
did not have a plastic bag on us to pick it up, so Simon got an idea to tear some
paper from the poster on a pillar. It was a great idea, however, it had two
obstacles. The first was the fact that it was impossible to get just a small piece
of paper, Simon ended up with a large plate of multiple levels of paper, hardened
with the poster glue. The second problem was the poop itself--its consistency
was thin and resembled cow's dropping. Nevertheless, Simon decided to try anyway,
so he shoved the thing with the paper on the sidewalk in order to get it on
the top of the paper. He pushed carefully, slowly, but somehow it was not
it. He continued until he reached the wall of a house. This didn't stop him,
he was really focused on what he was doing and he kept shoving (perhaps as if
you spread the plaster on the wall) and he stopped about six feet high because he ran
out of the material. He threw the empty conglomerate of papers to garbage and
the painting was done.
(To be continued as Simon finds the time for translating...)